Ugh

Warning: This post could be triggering for some. Mentions depression, death, and funerals.

Basically, it’s 5 am on Christmas Eve and I have been crying for hours. I have only slept maybe 4 hours in the past 48. I just feel like a hot depressing moody mess.

Too much has gone on in less than a week and the holidays already tend to mess me up now. I haven’t celebrated fully since 2011. In 2012, my grandma died the day before Thanksgiving and Christmas wasn’t the same. I haven’t been around my family for the holidays since that year.

I feel so detached. I almost lost my mother and in the time it took me to even find out she was in the hospital I could have lost her.?

Then, Jonghyun from Shinee…? still doesn’t feel real. I still think about how we would randomly bump into him on the streets. He would just walk with a little smile like nothing out of the ordinary was even going on though some girls would be following him with cameras. He even went through me and some friends to the point I brushed shoulders with him, instead of to the side where we made sure he had room. He was always a great performer and had so much talent. Even though people say he had everything…he didn’t. He wanted to be happy and couldn’t grasp it fully it seems. ? I actually had time to go by the hospital to pay respects. It’s official I cannot do another Korean funeral. It’s too much for me personally.