To run or not to run? Random thoughts and trauma

I don’t know why but I’m wanting to try to get into running more and more lately.

I used to run a ton when I was younger. Ran track with hurdles and all. Then suddenly I just stopped. I didn’t injure myself yet or anything. I used to want to do it professionally then I just stopped running altogether. Now thinking, it was around the time my dad left for good. I stopped most of my sports and the weight piled on super quickly.

Apparently my parents separating and then divorcing bothered me more than I realized it. I used to blame myself for my parents’ divorce because the last major argument happened when I was trying to do a science project. I was behind because I wasn’t home since my mom had major surgery. So I was trying to do it before it was due and my dad was helping me.

Long story short my parents got into an argument over something super simple and it escalated from 0 to a million in no time. Next thing I knew my dad said he was leaving and that was the last night he lived in the same house with us. That haunted me forever. My thoughts were if I didn’t need to do my project at that moment none of it would have happened. So I blamed myself for some years. During that time I stopped doing things I enjoyed figuring I didn’t deserve to enjoy anything after tearing my family apart.

I know I know it wasn’t my fault. Not at all. It was something that was going to happen no matter what. My parents had issues for years. But I was young and was a dad’s girl on top of it. Then suddenly he was gone. That messed me up.

Anywho, now enough of that. I want to get back into shape and such. I need to get my cardio back up. I’ll join a gym next month because I have to pay for some things this month. But if I can get back into running that will be a start. Who knows I might not join the gym again. Though weight training would be nice. We shall see.

First to ease into what I want to do. I know I will hate it at first. It’s been ages since I actually ran for a while. So, I will walk to warm up and then go jogging. After that, I might be all “OMG I am dying. Why am I doing this?” It will be hard but I must try. I need to get from this plateau that my body has hit which means I need to change up things that I am doing.

I have also tossed out the oil to fry in. Have to make sure not to tempt myself with it. This means just get rid of it so I won’t have it in here to tempt me at all.