This past weekend…need to workout again

What did I do? Nothing!

I cleaned, cooked and watched some movies. Oh and worked out.

I really need to step it up. I have slacked off big time. Though recently I realized my body won’t allow me to sit still too long or it will ache or just feel restless. Even at work, maybe 45 minutes~hour max I can sit down. Then, I have to get up and at least walk down the hall.

I have too much energy and need to burn it off. I thought about joining the gym again after my birthday next week. But then I’m thinking I will get bored again. So, I should probably just stick to doing some things at home and then doing walking outside. Also, I know this might sound crazy.

But.
.
.
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I want to get back into running.

It will take me ages to get even close to what I used to do but I wouldn’t mind being able to run a good long distance again. I know I’m going to have to start off super slow and build up. So we shall see. It’s just a thought because well I am scared to try. I have had a few injuries since my running days. Not sure how my body will handle it.

But I need to get fit or at least comfortable with my body. I’m still not there. I am way more comfortable with it now compared to 3 years ago. I have come a long way. But there are still a lot of things I am personally insecure about. Then seeing I have gained back roughly 20 pounds in the past year or so pisses me off and scares me to no end.

I don’t want to and will not allow myself to get back to over 300 pounds ever again. That was insane.

I turn 27 in a little over a week. I think it made me realize that yes I do want to get married in the future and have a kid or 2. But first I want to be happy with myself. I also want to be healthy and at least somewhat in shape. I don’t need a ton of muscles or something. Just want to be able to run around for like 15 minutes without feeling like I might die in the first 2 minutes.

I want to feel content knowing that I have given myself everything I have and deserve. So if and when I do decide to do the other things I want I can be ok with where I am at personally health wise.

I think what has me even more is seeing my mother when I visited home. Seeing how she has a ton of health issues and how a lot of them are caused or made worse by her weight. The fact that her life isn’t the way she pictured it because now she is limited a lot by her health. It’s heart breaking and I know if I don’t watch myself I can go down similar if not the same road. My grandma was almost the same and we lost her some years ago before she even turned 60. Then seeing my mom might not even make it to 50 honestly scares me to death. The last thing I want to do is have that be my future.

So~ that means I have to take care of myself a lot better. I got too relaxed and always have an excuse for something. No matter what I should try my hardest to get down to a healthy weight and eat right. The struggles are intense but it must be done.

I should have never allowed myself to get so big in the first place but at the same time. I didn’t have much control of my own body and what I could eat until I moved over here since I followed my mother’s rules and we all ate the same thing together as a family. We ate healthy foods but we also had access to a ton of unhealthy food also. There wasn’t a good balance of anything after awhile. When I tried diets I was deterred and had to work out in secret with my sister. After awhile I gave up.

Moving here the weight just melted away. Then I didn’t want to lose anymore after losing so much. It was shocking to myself and everything needed to adjust. My body and mind. Then, I hit a plateau which doesn’t help. After that had surgery. In which I lost some weight but gained some because I wasn’t as active. Was too afraid to do anything to cause damage. Then did multiple trips out the country. Gained weight and lost some. Moved, gained some weight. I turned to food when I had crappy days. Being able to order McDonald’s here is even more dangerous. Joined the gym lost some weight and hit another plateau. Got bored on top of it. And yeah here I am today. Frustrated that I gave up so easily and gained weight.

So, it’s time to try once again. I have to find something that I love and stay motivated.

Here’s to trying once again. Hopefully by the end of the year I can lose some weight. Wish me luck~!

Until next time~

Also not even sure if this post made sense. Just typing my thoughts out hehe ^^;;