Mr. Gucci part 1…

Yes, this needs parts. 

Alright, warning for anyone who gets triggered on delicate situations such as self harm and suicide.

Again warning…Don’t say I didn’t warn you. If you want to complain or make a comment after this saying you were triggered, I’m not responsible for how you feel. 

So for a third time warning~~~ if you are sensitive to such topics.

Now for the first part.

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He called me the other week not sounding right in the middle of the night. It’s not odd for him to call late, it just felt weird. I already had an off feeling because I didn’t see him in awhile and I saw him almost weekly. So, I sent him a message earlier in the evening hoping that he was doing well. For which in turn he ended up doing this call.

Anyways, I asked what he was doing because I heard water in the background and it was raining really hard all day. Coming to find out he was at the Han River after drinking quiet a bit and exhausted without an umbrella. Like that day it was storming to the point most people were talking about how bad and shocking it was.

Definitely not a good sign. Then, he was talking about how tired he was. How he’s always working. How’s he’s worthless. He’s no good because he can’t do anything for anyone. He kept saying sorry. He wish that he could do something more than just working. Even though he works he can’t even control his schedule. He felt as if he didn’t have a life. As if he was a robot. He had nothing besides work and barely slept. He’s always exhausted and felt he had nothing to offer anyone because he didn’t feel worthy even to himself. He kept saying that he was sorry to me because I rarely see him since he is always working. That I and others deserved better.

So, he was ready to jump. Completely ready on the rail to just let it all go. He said he thought it would be better that way. That would be his only escape. 

That freaked me out completely. I became numb and started shaking thinking about what to do. I definitely didn’t want to lose him. I’ve lost enough people. My last boyfriend died from Leukemia. My first actual Korean friend here in Korea when I came to teach committed suicide the other year. I was not going to lose this man.

I made him tell me what he was feeling. What he felt like sharing. I also had to let him know that he means a lot to me. More than he knew, heck more than I realized myself. 

If he didn’t want to live for himself or anyone else. At least, even though it was selfish of me, live for me. I wasn’t going to just let him do it and not care. I wasn’t going to let him hang up and not try to save him. I wasn’t going to let him think that he was completely worthless and meant nothing to anyone.

I refused to let him go and I still do.

Yes, I just said that. I know….I know…

He finally calmed down and took around 30 minutes to think alone before going home. I don’t know exactly what happened but he is somewhat better. He is doing other things than just working when he has time, which is rarely. 

I didn’t see him after that but I kept messaging him to check on him constantly. Then I finally got to see him…

Which leads to part 2. Coming soon~