When someone keeps saying things about my weight

Warning…I don’t know how the mood of this is going to go or how long it’s going to be. So uh…yeah here it goes…if weight topics triggers you please skip this.

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Ever since my co-teacher found out that she was basically fired, she has been mentioning my weight all week every chance she gets. She has mentioned it before but not constantly like she has this week. Almost every conversation she has eased it in there.

“Oh, I see you are getting smaller, you still need to lose some.”

“The thinner you get the more pretty you are.”

“I can’t drop you off today but you can walk home. It’ll help you lose some more weight.” (mind you the walk home is actually around 3 miles if not more and it’ll be almost dark)

“Oh going up and down the stairs is good for your weight.”

“I see you don’t eat a lot. How did you get so big?”

She has said a lot more, but that’s enough for me right now.

She doesn’t realize I have NOT been a constant weight for a week since I’ve been here. When I got pants that fit, two days later they were too big (seriously). Like give me a break. I’ve lost almost 60 pounds since August and around 5 pants sizes if not more. Granted I gained like 5 pounds twice so around 10 pounds altogether (when it was freezing) and had to lose it all again. I’ve also gained a good bit of muscle. Yet it feels like I’ve lost absolutely nothing and I’m still as big as I was when I first came thanks to her constant comments. That’s a huge blow to me. It hurts. Even if I don’t want it to. It does…a lot. I’ve even cried today because of it. I freaking cried. That upsets me.

Here’s a quick summary of my weight. I wasn’t an overweight kid. I was always taller for my age and stuff but that’s about it. Ran track and all that good stuff through elementary. Then something happened once I got into the 5th grade. I blew up big time. Like over 30 pounds and it just kept packing on.

The biggest I’ve been was a size 26/28 at one point that didn’t last long, then I normally stayed around a size 22/24. Most I’ve ever weighed was 307 and that was right before I came here yet I was still in between wearing 22’s and 24’s. I don’t know how that worked out. Anyways…got here and weighed 302. I guess the flight really did a number on me.

After awhile of being here, more like a few weeks…the weight was just coming off. I walked a lot on the weekends with Keri and that was about it. My diet changed because well I can’t get everything I use to eat at home here. I cook like 98% of my meals.I don’t deep fry anything except for three times in 7 months. I cook in olive oil if I do use oil. I don’t buy bread because I rarely eat it. If I do, it’s from a bakery. I don’t cook rice that often since I eat a good bit at school everyday. There’s no need for me to have it at home again. I probably eat fruits more even though I ate them a lot at home. I eat my vegetables including kimchi (that probably did something). Here I’ve gotten use to having fruits after lunch or dinner as dessert. Then again I didn’t really do dessert at home. Eh…nothing like an apple though.

I had pants to go down into but that lasted maybe 2 weeks each time until I was out. They were tight then bam way too big. Ordered pants that actually came two sizes smaller than the size I ordered. Good thing. Lasted 2 days before they were becoming too big. I mean losing weight is great but not being able to keep pants to go with it is a headache. It’ll cost too much money to keep buying new pants only to have them not fit the next time I put them on.

Now I’m between a 12 and 14…might be smaller but let’s go with a 14. It’ll keep me from freaking out again. I haven’t seen this size as an adult ever… like eva~. I remember in the 7th grade being a size 20/22 granted I was shorter, but still. By the end of middle school (junior high for some) I was a 22/24.

I should have never let myself get that far so young. I tried to lose weight back then. Some came off but then it kept packing on. High school that’s when I reached the size 28. Got down to a size 26 then a 24 and that was basically my size through out high school. I was known as “Big Aisha” granted I was the only Aisha (ah-sha) but whatever. It was what it was. I wasn’t teased about my weight. I had a ton of friends. So I’m thankful I wasn’t bullied in high school. Or middle school for the fact. Elementary was something else and I was skinny and ran track during that time. Anywho…

Went to college, stayed around the same size though it seems my weight shifted some. So I was basically anywhere from a 20-24 the entire time. Made a lot of great college friends.

Came over here to study abroad. Started out a 24 ended up an 18 in a little over 6 weeks, gained weight when I went back home and was in a 20-22.

Fast forward. Came back here again to teach. Hit my highest weight of 302 in August wearing a size 22/24. Now here in March I’m under 250 and around a size 12/14. I weigh less than I weighed in middle school. Like that’s a huge accomplishment for me. I’ve always wanted to get rid of all this extra weight, it’s not good for my body. I shouldn’t be hurting in certain places. Plus I want it off before I turn 30. I only have 5 years left after this year.

I’m not losing it for anyone. I’m doing it for me. It started out random. I didn’t plan on it. I didn’t say “oh I’m going to start working out and go on a diet.” It all just happened. And I shall continue to do so until I hit my normal range for my height. That’s going to take ages, but hey I’m determined.

You know when you take a shower and you are all “lalalala I’m the best singer in the world~ Beyonce what? bring it~” Then you realize there’s a little less of yourself and it’s like um…where’s my body? Something’s missing. Start realizing muscles and bones. It’s like “Woah….excuuuussssseeee me. Where did you come from? I don’t remember you being there before….in over a decade. *looks around* I don’t think I like this…I don’t like change. Mommy?”

It was painful to be honest. I had less cushion and having bones start showing was odd. Sleeping was difficult because I was hurting. Collarbone more out there even neck muscles. Move just a little and see it all working. It FREAKED me out. I was like OH LORD~! I’m drying up on land. HELPA MEE~!

Co-workers were worried (still are) because I lost weight so quickly. One month I dropped over 20 pounds. That was kind of extreme. And I ate a lot…pizza and everything. So I don’t know what happened. Even now they are trying to make sure I eat and stuff still. Doesn’t help I can’t hide under layers anymore…They don’t know I eat a lot of cakes and stuff. Ok I don’t eat cake everyday or even once a week. But if I feel like a slice, I let myself have it. Like today…Not going to lie cakes here are a huge distraction. Yummy and light too. Like eating delicious air.

Know what? While writing this I realized, I’m not even hurt anymore. I’m proud of what I have done so far. Screw what that mean old lady says. I am who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m still the same person on the inside…just a bit healthier now. And I finally don’t feel like “omg…they are staring because I’m huge and they are judging me~!” as much. Which I have to laugh, but it’s true. I came when it was hot, I’m big and I sweat a lot here. Not a good combination on the subway with a lot of people. Never cool off. I’m still pretty tall compared to most Korean girls but I’ve ran across quite a bit that are taller and bigger than me. So eh, it is what it is.

I feel better about myself because I can fit in a seat without feeling like I’m in someone else space. I’m taking control of my life and my health. I can’t blame anyone for anything. Ok unless they catch me on fire or something. But she doesn’t know the struggles of my life and having to adjust to everything. I think I’ve done pretty well. Shoot~

Ok that’s the end of this…rant? haha

Until next time~!