I’m alive and a year older

Got out the hospital day before yesterday. 

Turned 26 yesterday. 

Still have to go to the hospital daily for shots. I’m healing well just have an extra hole in my body right now. Which will take a little over a month to heal give or take a week. 

 So I’m not travelling anywhere for the time being outside of yangpyeong. Which is fine by me. I ended up spending over $800 in hospital bills after insurance covered a ton. So freaking yay.

 Nearly cried though I’m lucky. Back home in the US I would be screwed big time. So I’m counting my blessings. 

 My co-teacher has been a life saver and I feel sorry towards her and everyone at work.

Her and the vice principal celebrated my birthday with me. 

Then me and my co-teacher talked about a lot of things.

Like what I’m going to do when my contract is up. Relationships in which she found out about my last boyfriend dying. How my parents are asking when I’m going to give them grandchildren. And everything in between. 

 I can’t go back to work until next week so it’ll give me time to go through my stuff and decide what I want and what I’m going to toss. Then what I’m going to send home and keep with me until it’s time for me to leave or whatever that happens. I basically want to strip my place bare just in case I leave February. Well March. 

 I don’t know I have mixed emotions. I love Korea and I don’t want to leave but at the same time there is literally nothing to keep me tied here. Jobs aren’t guaranteed anywhere. I’m not in a serious relationship or any for that matter. 

Just like I really don’t have a place to go when I go back to the US. Remember lost the house almost a year ago and where my family lives now with my grandfather barely fits them. There’s definitely not room for me. 

 So, I have no place anywhere. 

 No home. 

No where that I fit in comfortably without worrying what’s going to happen in the next few months. 

 No one I can call when I need a physical shoulder to cry on. No one I can turn to when I’m seriously sick and they can be there. 

I feel like I have nothing. I know I have things but that’s how I feel and I can’t change it.

In the end I’m left completely alone and feel utterly useless. 

 I realized that this past weekend in the hospital when I was just that.

Alone.

I didn’t even cry during anything because I feel like I didn’t have the right to.

 I somehow got the infection couldn’t even explain it. Basically burdened everyone at school and the few people that knew. Then making my parents worry. I hate that so much. 

 I know this got depressing. It’s just my thoughts lately.

Anyways I should sleep. I have another appointment for shots in the morning.