How am I?-Tired, so tired

I’m ok. Partially. Nothing is really going wrong on the outside. I’m currently going through the job process. That’s a bit stressful, but it is what it is.

Where my problem is…is on the inside. I have so many thoughts about moving and the people in my life. Yesterday and today I have been completely off. To the point, Mr. Pilot has been worrying and asking me whenever he gets a chance if I’m ok and to tell him what’s on my mind instead of keeping it all to myself.

The thing is I’m still in the process of figuring it all out and I’m used to being the only one that knows 100% of how I’m feeling and my thoughts. Even what I put on here isn’t everything. I feel no one should know it all.

My main reason for feeling odd is my leaving so soon. I will be in a new area all alone again. Yes, I love being alone but I FINALLY just met some really good people. Seriously genuine good people that care about me a lot. Not saying that they care and then go and do something that will end up hurting me.

Knowing that I won’t get to see any of them often gets to me. But I have realized while thinking, even if I go somewhere that doesn’t mean that they will just let me go easily without caring. They aren’t going to toss me to the side and never speak to me again. They are not going to hurt me. At least on purpose. They are trying their hardest to help me out in so many ways that it surprises me all the time.

They are like family here, so no matter where I go they will always be like that.

I was worried for nothing, but I can’t help it. I’m used to someone screwing me over that meeting people that won’t do that has me on edge. I’m always the one that gets hurt and I am just tired of being hurt all the time by people I call friends or family or whatever else.

That’s why I like being alone and tend to avoid things. It’s an inner fight with myself a lot because I want to protect myself…mostly my heart. Not to get attached to anyone because no one is going to stick around. No one really cares that much. No one will be there for me to turn to when I finally really need them. When someone says they like me I instantly wonder why. There’s nothing to like about me. They might “like” me now but in 5 minutes they will forget me because I don’t matter. I never really mattered to anyone and never will. I’m just a filler until they find someone better. If I can’t do something for them, then I’m useless. That’s how it will always be maybe it’s best I do stay away from everyone and be alone. Those are some of my thoughts lately, but they have always been there.

I have met so many bad people in life that now I don’t know how to accept that there are actually some really good people in this world.

All I can say is that I shall try to enjoy the next two months with them. By March, I’m going to have to clean up my life a bit. Friends and stuff too. I’m going to move and I just need to open a new chapter in my life completely. Very few things will be coming along and they must be good. I want to be happy in life. Not like this.

There’s more that I want to say, but I won’t put it here. I will keep it to myself and maybe share it with others later. But I won’t be here.

So, I’m ok. Just a bit emotionally tired.

Until next time~